Handy love tips your mum never told you: “You can tell a lot about a person by their spelling and their syntax.” SparklingSea

Last summer, in an attempt to thwart the ever-decreasing gene pool of the local lesbian hangouts, and in the wake of many friends’ success stories, I turned to my computer for love. It was slow at the office, and so I had ample time to explore the wealth of online options for a single girl.

After some surfing, I selected PlanetOut as my rendevous d’amor. How exciting! It was like online shopping—a veritable virtual catalogue of gals—the sample sale to end all others. I scrolled through ‘profile’ (that self-sell section) after profile until I was fully steeped in lesbian soulmate-seeking jargon: Staunch Butch ISO of Mommy, Hot Femme ISO Same, I Wanna Cuddle Wid U, etc. Hmm. My Sapphic smorgasbord was turning into last season’s outlet mall. I was beginning to see why they called it PlanetDoubt.

Finally I found a profile that fit my fancy. I quickly made myself the requisite profile and made the first move. After a couple of days (and a lot of email checking) she wrote back!

Wouldn’t you know, she was the girl next door. Really. So much for the anonymity of the Internet. It looked like I wasn’t ever going to get myself out of the neighborhood. While not a tall, dark stranger, this gal was no desperado: tall, suave, and sophisticated, she was a dating extraordinaire. What brought her to the realm of online dating? She didn’t seem to lack for attention; I’d seen her around, always with a lady. Or two or three: for a dyke who wanted to expand and diversify her admirers, the virtual territory was just the ticket.

The Formula—From Virtual to True Love (Maybe):
1. Troll Internet singles-sites until you find one you like
2. Give yourself an alluring profile
3. Write to someone who sounds/looks hot (make sure your email is very clever and provocative—give yourself some time for this)
4. When/if they write back, allow yourself a couple of exchanges,
i. and then, if you’re both willing…..
5. Make a date.

My online dating experience was very brief and somewhat unsuccessful. No, my neighbor and I were not a love connection. After the thrill of finding emails from total strangers faded, I found myself making pointless online small talk, and after a couple of unsuccessful dates (my shortest was 40 minutes, although a friend of mine got one of her First Dates down to a record 6 minutes), I soon Signed Out of Planet Doubt.

Others, however, tell me they have had far more luck than I:

xeliobabe (not her real name) had this to say about her introduction to online dating: “I went on one date. With her. And that was it.” Believe it or not, they’ve been together for one and a half years. Now, instead of cyber-cruising, they’re picking out curtains.

Another couple met online and quickly found out they’d also already seen each other around (ok, location was one of the criteria). Instead of moving on in search of something more elusive, they started dating. Two years later, they’re madly in love.

One frequenter of the virtual singles scene says frankly, “It’s humbling. It’s important to me to find someone lovely.” A far more serious take on this than I would have expected, especially from the sassy siren who was spilling the beans, as she added, “You’re not looking to get laid, you’re looking to communicate.”

Online dating is not as stigmatized as one would think. Turns out everyone’s doing it. Or done it. One online dating service predicts, “Technology will bring people closer together.” Another advises, “You can purchase a ‘background check’ on the person. Prices can range from $25 for a very simple check to $350 for a thorough check,” adding, “remember to relax and have fun!” Eek. One has to wonder why a background check would apply to an online prospect, and not some random pick-up in a bar.

SparklingSea, a veteran of the online singles scene, tells me that online dating is safer. After all, you’re not going home on the first ‘date,’ you’re only clicking “send.” She had an extremely pragmatic view: “you have to like dating. And it’s great if you like a lot of attention.” (My thoughts exactly.) SparklingSea adds, “I meet a lot of people, and it’s hard to meet someone you like. If I went into a bar and saw someone with a t-shirt saying, I read Proust, I listen to Van Morrison, and I love my mother, that would be fine. But no-one has those t-shirts, and profiles are a perfect screening mechanism.”

So, online dating works. You do not have to sacrifice an iota of feminism to do be a virtual vamp. Me, I fell prey to the good old-fashioned set-up. It worked just as well.

A staunch lesbian/feminist/antipodean, Alia Levine moved from New Zealand to her family's native New York in 1997 (she only planned to visit), where she works at Equality Now, an international human rights organization focusing on violations against women. A Women's Studies/English Literature graduate from Victoria University, NZ, Alia spends most of her time in her garden weeding the eggplants, cooking compulsively or trying out impossible positions at her local yoga center. She lives in Brooklyn, New York.

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