Site Map -- Sexing the Political: A Journal of Third Wave Feminists on Sexuality : Third Eye Open

L: I feel like a very fortunate queer feminist mother to be raising this amazing boy. It is difficult to put into words how honored I feel to be his parent. It was somewhat difficult to conceive Ian, so his very presence is a wonder to us every day. Throughout the pregnancy we felt we were having a girl and [so] we opted not to find out the sex of the baby. When Nancy told me it was a boy, I exclaimed, "A boy?" But as soon as I saw him, I knew he was the child I was meant to parent. I guess being a feminist gave me some confidence that I could raise an empowered, strong and intelligent daughter. I was not so sure about my abilities to raise a son. I initially thought, "What would I do with a boy?" Even so, Nancy is very close to her nephews, so she felt very at home with the idea of a boy. In some ways, being a lesbian raising a boy is an interesting twist of fate. I would have never guessed that I would have such an intimate relationship with a boy/future man again - until I met our son.

RC: How did you come to the decision to parent a child with your female partner?

L: I always knew I wanted to be a parent. When I met Nancy, we discussed quite early on in our relationship the possibility of having a baby. Nancy had researched having a baby when she did not have a partner, but decided not to go through with it. So, the whole notion of becoming parents was very appealing to both of us from the beginning. We talked a lot about who would carry the baby and we ultimately decided that I would, mostly due to the age difference. (Ed. Note: Nancy is 14 years older than Laura.) I also felt a strong desire to carry a child and knew that I would have felt that I missed out on something if I couldn't experience a pregnancy. Nancy did not share those feelings, so our decision was a good one for us.

We did, briefly, contemplate the whole Is-this-fair-to-bring-a-child-into-an-unconventional-family issue, but our desire to become parents won out and we felt secure in our choice. I think our concerns were based on the fear of not knowing how this little person would be received in our families and community. We had no doubts about our abilities to love and nurture a child and, in the end, we decided what we believed was more important than what others thought about us.

RC: From your perspective, what are the benefits of parenting with another woman?

L: There are tremendous benefits to parenting with another woman. I have felt particularly lucky as Nancy is a nurturer to the core and I know that, with her, I do not shoulder the responsibility of parenthood alone. Being a mother zaps every ounce of energy out of you at times and it is reassuring to be with someone who knows what needs to be done next without telling her. I am not implying that a man would not fulfill the role as well, but certainly, I think men do it differently. We have been able to develop a rhythm in our parenting of Ian, and for the most part, it works for us. Granted, sleep deprivation can throw off even the best of routines, but that is improving!

I think Ian is fortunate in that he is exposed to a family that really knows no gender restrictions. What I mean by that is that he sees both of us cooking, painting, fixing things, checking the oil, mowing the lawn, etc. Hopefully he'll grow up knowing that he can do all those things too. It is certainly true in our relationship that Nancy and I have areas of comfort: I do more of the cooking while Nancy is the handy one. I am a better helper when it comes to home repair although I think Nancy finds Ian, even at 22 months of age, more useful than me! (laughs) What thrills me the most is when Ian approaches both of us for comfort and hugs. I have seen lots of heterosexual families where the children primarily go to mom for those needs and it is sad that dad misses out on those moments.

RC: And what are the disadvantages?

L: That is kind of a hard one because I see nothing but advantages!

If you ask my mother, she'll tell you she feels sorry for Ian's future wife-some assumptions are being made there-because she'll have two mothers-in-law! (laughs)

RC: That's one thing I admire about you is your capacity to affirm your family. Rather than focusing on the inevitable obstacles of lesbian parenting, you tend to reframe things in the positive. This is really a wonderful model of parenting for other queer families.

L: In all honesty, the comments and questions from others outside of our family and friends may be problematic for Ian at some point. Unfortunately, we cannot control others' ignorance, so we try really hard to help Ian understand differences. A good example just happened at our house. Our family from Canada was visiting and my three adolescent cousins were calling for their dad. Ian started calling his great uncle "Dad." It was really quite funny! We just talked with him about how he has two moms while his cousins have a mom and a dad. I didn't think we'd be talking about this quite so soon, but he seems to comprehend the idea.

I really don't believe Ian will feel cheated by not having a father because he has many loving men in his life. At some point, however, we expect that we may have to make extra efforts in helping him connect to men and that is fine with us. We certainly don't view our family from a deficit perspective.

RC: Although they are becoming more visible, there is still a lack of role models for queer parents, especially when compared with the numbers of role models for straight parents-single and coupled. How does this affect you?

L: On one hand, I see it as a disadvantage. Parenting is hard work, and when you don't know any other lesbian couples who are parenting, it can feel very isolating. It's hard to see other lesbian couples struggle, including celebrity couples like Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher who have two children together. When those relationships end, we often hear the expected, "See, those relationships never work anyway!" It can feel pretty discouraging.

On the bright side, having no role models gives us lots of room to forge ahead and create our own family traditions and rituals that are meaningful for our loved ones. That has been one of the most exciting and affirming aspects of parenting with Nancy. Since we have not had a formal commitment ceremony of any kind, Ian's baptism in our church was really a very spiritual experience for us. Our extended families' presence was an indication of their love and support for our family and it stands out as one of the most precious memories thus far.

RC: In addition to the loving support of your families, have you and Nancy taken special efforts to create an embracing community for you and Ian?

L: We have been very lucky in that our families of origin have been very supportive of us becoming parents. We also have wonderful friends-straight and queer-who have offered more love and nurturing than we thought possible. Our church community isand affirming and we are quite connected to the people there. With the exception of one kooky great aunt, no one has said anything negative to us. So, we think we have been very fortunate.

We wanted Ian to get to know other children with lesbian moms, so we created a support group in our area last year. The Rainbow Mamas group has about 20 families. We get together socially every other month. It has been very exciting to get to know these women and their families. I think that, as the children get older, they'll feel a certain comfort in knowing other children with two moms.

Our school district does not have a non-discrimination policy that includes sexual orientation, so we have placed Ian on a waiting list for kindergarten in a district that does. I happen to work for the more progressive district, so I emailed the principal and received a very positive response. We are hopeful that things will change before then, but we wanted to be on the safe side.

RC: How do you perceive your needs to be different as a queer parent rather than a straight parent?

L: As a lesbian mom, I am more aware of the potential for negative responses from others because of our family configuration. I don't know that straight parents spend a lot of time worrying about how others may respond to their family situation. Also, I think it is hard to find good parenting books for queer parents although this is changing. When I was pregnant, it was difficult to keep reading about "your husband." Most times it didn't bother me, but occasionally it got on my nerves.

When you become a parent, people simply assume you are straight, so there is lots of opportunity to hide one's orientation. I think our needs are sometimes hidden by this fact. Our healthcare experiences have been positive for the most part, but I had to make extra efforts in one incident to ensure that Nancy was listed as Ian's mother and not "other." I think that as more and more queer families are created, our culture will slowly start to understand that families are not all the same-and that is a good thing!

RC: How do you perceive your needs to be the same as those of a straight parent?

L: I think there are many similarities between straight and gay parents. We all want the best for our children and, at times, all struggle with, "Are we doing this right?" Parenting has helped me become closer to some of my straight friends because now we have this shared experience of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and the sheer joy of seeing another human being grow up before our eyes.

Like many new parents, we couldn't bear the thought of childcare for Ian when he was an infant. So, for one glorious year, I became the lesbian housewife. I loved it! During that time, the dynamics in my relationship with Nancy changed in that it was hard for me to go from making a salary and being a professional to being home with an infant every day. I found myself saying things like, "You don't know what it's like to not have adult company every day!" even though I would not have traded my situation for anything. My time with him certainly had its challenges, but I am so thankful that I was able to enjoy those early months with him. So, as nontraditional as our family is, we made some decisions that could be perceived as traditional by some people.

RC: What concerns do you have for your son, as the child of lesbian parents, as he grows older?

L: I worry that Ian may be targeted by kids when they discover he has lesbian parents. I guess that is the biggest worry, but I also hope that he doesn't feel that he missed out by not having a dad. In talking with other lesbian moms, these concerns appear to be fairly common. Again, they are concerns that are really grounded in society's discomfort with anything that deviates from a heterosexual norm.

RC: You've mentioned the Rainbow Mamas group you formed. Where else do you look for support and information as lesbian parents?

L: We subscribe to Proud Parenting Magazine and I am always on the lookout for online resources. There are more and more books being written for gay parents and their children, which is very exciting.

RC: Do you ever need information unique to your family configuration that you just can't find?

L: It is kind of unfortunate because we don't know any older lesbian moms who had children through alternative insemination who we could learn from. I think this is more because we live in a fairly small city and probably, in larger centers, we would find more lesbian moms with older children.

RC: How does feminism inform your perspective as a queer parent?

L: I am very aware of gender role expectations when we are parenting Ian. I think it drives Nancy bananas, but when we bought him his first little tool kit, we also bought a kitchen. In fact, I had a discussion with the staff at Toys R Us because I looked all over for a kitchen and when someone finally showed me, it was in the girls section. This type of thing infuriates me, so I told the employee that they almost missed a sale because of their sexist shelving policies! Will it make a difference? Probably not, but the feminist in me couldn't keep my mouth shut.

RC: The world needs more mouthy feminist mothers!

L: (laughs) When I was pregnant with Ian, we decorated his nursery in lavender. We didn't know he was a boy, but figured a sun, moon and stars theme would be just fine for any gender. When he ended up being a boy, some family members questioned the appropriateness of the color of his nursery. So, that kind of thing happens, but we just ignore those comments when they occur. Also, we have been pretty conscious of not dressing him in horribly gendered clothing, but if you've been children's clothes shopping recently, you know what a challenge that is! It may seem superficial to some, but I don't want him wearing clothes that have trucks and sports themes on them without knowing if he even likes those things! Once he verbalizes a preference, that will be different, but for now, no trucks!

I was talking to a good friend not too long ago about how being a parent has influenced my feminist views. One of my core feminist beliefs was that of reproductive choice: women should be able to choose if and when they become a mother. After having Ian, I am more pro-choice than ever simply because now I have an appreciation for the challenges of motherhood. Along those same lines, I would have never imagined myself being a stay at home parent. In my early twenties, I judged quite harshly women who chose to stay home. Of course, I couldn't have anticipated Ian affecting me as he did, but it was a good lesson to learn.

RC: How does being a queer parent inform your perspective as a feminist?

L: It is hard for me to separate being a queer parent from being a feminist in some ways because those identities are intertwined. Certainly, as a lesbian mom, I am acutely aware of how the privileges enjoyed by one group (heterosexual families) are not shared by lesbian families. This reality is one that I will likely spend the greater part of my life working to change in some small way. I cannot help but think that by becoming visible as a lesbian parent, I am helping to make the world safer for Ian and his friends.

The whole notion of the personal being political has taken on new meaning for me as a lesbian parent. Simply being out,and honest about who we are as a family is often perceived as a political statement. If people think I have some "agenda" because I am unwilling to make others feel comfortable at my family's expense, so be it.

RC: Do you have an example of such a situation?

L: I was just at our brand spanking new public library and was appalled to find copies of the very conservative, homophobic Family Voice published by Focus on the Family on the display shelf. I talked to the woman in charge of the display and shared that the publication was more appropriate for a church library and not a public library. I told her it was pretty offensive and certainly did not represent all families. We later saw the library staff removing all copies of the magazine from the shelves. I felt good about it and will continue to make sure it does not darken the shelves again!

RC: How can the greater feminist community support queer parents?

L: I think that the greater feminist community can support us by realizing that we do not have the same rights as heterosexual families. When Nancy adopted Ian, many of our straight friends who have feminist beliefs had no idea why it was necessary for her to adopt him. These are bright people who just figured Nancy was his legal parent. I think many feminists appreciate the challenges faced by lesbian parents, but there is more education that needs to happen.

RC: And that education must be followed by action and advocacy. It is not enough to just know.

L: Right! Queer parents-be they gay, lesbian or bisexual-need straight allies in the social and legal struggles to recognize our families.

RC: Laura, thank you so much for sharing some of your early parenting experiences with STP readers. You provide an inspiring model of parenting for all feminists, but especially for those who may be partnered with women.