I am a woman, and I often have sex with a man. When I think about all the things I've learned to do to appeal to him and pleasure him, I realized that I, too, would like to be the man in bed. I don't mean, however, that I'd like to be the one with the penis.

I mean that I'd like to be the one who is the center of sexual attention. I'd like to have sex focus on my clitoris and for my partner to rub on it and lick it. And, I'd like him to find that doing what makes me climax is the most exciting sex for him. In fact, we'd call that "having sex" and I'd call him "sexually free" and "liberated" for engaging in it. "How many times did we make love yesterday?" he'd ask with an exhausted smile, and of course I'd know he's referring to how many times I climaxed. Sure, sometimes I'd envelope his penis with my mouth or vagina--as foreplay, to get us both aroused for the exciting pinnacle of sexual expression coming up: the swelling of my clitoris and my subsequent orgasms. Sometimes I would climax during envelopment, at which point envelopment would be considered over.

If, during the stimulation of my clitoris, my partner does not climax himself I'd like to be able to remind him that I've got plenty of ex-boyfriends who enjoyed focusing on my clitoris, that is, enjoyed sex. I would also like to be able to surf the Internet and find medical books that remind me that any man who does not find it ultimately stimulating to focus on my clitoris has some sort of inhibited sexual desire disorder such as frigidity, anorgasmia, or histeria.

Sure, I'd like my male partner to tell me what he likes in bed--after all, I want to consider myself a good lover whom he enjoys being with--in a way that does not hurt my ego. I want my partner to agree with me when I assert that our clitoris-centered sex acts are the most mutual of acts, the acts that we are most intimate during, and that anything extra we do to stimulate him, while pleasurable to me because I care for him, isn't quite as mutually satisfying as the clitoris-centered activity we engage in otherwise. Because I'd consider myself a sensitive lover, I would gladly engage, when we had time for more than a "quickie," in activities that give him an orgasm--sometimes even exhausting myself in the pursuit of his pleasure, trying not to make him feel guilty about how long it takes him. I would do this as long as afterward, he'd still be aroused and willing to continue energetically on toward the piece de la resistance: my orgasm. I would also be willing to caress and kiss his chest and nipples to turn him on (hey, it turns me on anyway!) because our culture would have told us that his chest is erotic and sensitive. If my clitoris deflated while I was pleasuring him, I would ask him to suck it back into shape, giving him at least a whole minute to recover before doing so.

I want my partner to consider clitoris-centered sex an unquestioned good--how our bodies naturally work--and to find ways that he can get more stimulation himself while he's stimulating my clitoris. I'd be willing to help him find these ways, of course, sensitive lover that I am, but will remind him that it's really up to him in the end to claim his sexual equality. He can't play the victim forever, after all. And really, I would like it when he's stroking his penis up and down during our clitoris play, as long as he didn't do it too jerkily and interrupt the main event.

I'd like my partner to shop at stores such as Victor's Secret--which would be found at every shopping mall and advertised enticingly on TV--for sexy clothes and scented lotions. I'd like him to remove unwanted body hair (i.e., hair that I don't want) and worry about whether or not his semen tastes acceptable (while being a good sport in the face of jokes about men tasting like Ajax and ammonia). I'd like him to work out weekly, worry about staying appealing to me, even consider various forms of cosmetic surgery--while I grow old comfortably and dignifiedly. I'd like my man to do these things because he's worried that if he doesn't please me I may withdraw my affections and not continue to make love with him and might even trade him in for a man who has not let himself go--one who works harder at his appearance or who has the good fortune of showing fewer signs of aging.

I'd like the culture I live in to support my desires. Films, from PG to pornography, would support my view of the centrality of the clitoris. We'd see scenes of women--who are not particularly attractive and in no way make me feel threatened--climaxing while hot men scream in ecstasy as they do it (because, of course, that's precisely what makes men orgasm). Dirty movies would feature great-looking, well-groomed men who have special receptacles in their mouths that can only be satisfied by giving women cunnilingus. I want the cultural images to declare the primacy of my clitoris, and to have grown up expecting that what stimulates me is what stimulates my partner, too.

Finally, I'd like to be able to fall asleep exhausted after several orgasms. Of course I'd want my partner to climax while we're making love, and would prefer it if he snuck one in somewhere while we're stimulating my clitoris. If he were unable to climax, however, I'd want him to understand that after such arousing and releasing, my body is tired and I simply don't want to focus further attention on him. I may even fall asleep immediately. However, if I felt aroused a bit later, I'd like him to be a sport and once again allow me to stimulate my clitoris with his mouth, hands, or penis. After all, we'd all know that my sex drive is much bigger than his. Why wouldn't it be--I'd be the man in bed. My God, who wouldn't want to be the man in bed?

Martha McCaughey is Associate Professor of Women's Studies at Virginia Tech, and is the author of Real Knockouts: The Physical Feminism of Women's Self-Defense (1997, New York University Press) and editor of Reel Knockouts: Violent Women in the Movies (2001, University of Texas Press).

Christina French is currently assistant editor of Virginia Tech Magazine and writes and edits for numerous university publications, but as she's beginning to feel a bit like a female Dilbert, she's contemplating a return to academe, where summer and winter "sanity checks" are de rigeur. Having recently earned an M.A. in English, she has taught college English and composition courses emphasizing cultural studies and will teach a women's studies course this semester. French's academic interests lie in the "(de)construction of sexuality and gender," and she reports that she "struggles with navigating the intersections of my theoretical concerns and my personal life."

©Martha McCaughey and Christina French, 2002
All Rights Reserved

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