Gay girls are strong, smart, hot, and brave. So why can't we get up the nerve to ask another girl to dance?

Out at a club the other night, I couldn't convince my friend to dance with me. Did I turn to the first solo lady I saw? Ha, why break the mold of inertia that so many lesbians have forged before? Then the unexpected: I was asked to dance by a tall, blond, hunk of testosterone. I was so pleased to have been propositioned! Before I could say "just please don't grind against me," we were off.

Trying to keep up (and holding myself away from his loins), I thought, has a girl ever asked me to dance? Maybe once. I don't know what's up in the lesbian psyche, but when it comes to making the first move, even the, errr, cockiest gay girl seems immobile.

I remember when I came out; the confidence (and relief) that came when I finally stopped 'playing' straight, was intense; I intended never to lose it (hence the degree in Women's Studies). What happened? If we are so bold as to be gay and honest with ourselves in a world largely constructed against us, why can't we get up the nerve to ask a cute girl to dance? We've come all this way (baby) and we can't even sidle up to a girl and ask her to shake her shimmy. Urged to find out the cause, effect and solution to this dastardly dilemma, I asked a handful of queer women if they'd ever Made The Move.

Case study #1 was a practical kind of butch gal, one who I thought would easily ask a girl to dance. Her answer, however, was "Never." She argued that because a 'femme' appearance is approved of by heterosexual society (and a butch appearance isn't), femmes have the necessary confidence to make the moves.

Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community interviews gay women about the 1940s and 50s. With most social interaction (clandestinely) taking place in bars, dancing was key in any courtship. While the authors state that butch/femme mannerisms were modeled on male-female behavior, the onus seemed to be on the femme to initiate. One interviewee, described as a "handsome stud" commented that when she saw a lady she liked, she would go up to them and say, "if a slow record comes on I'll be standing over here… So it was up to her if she wanted me to dance."

Have patriarchal models been so subverted that butch girls don't have to play the boy and do the asking? Have femmes taken over the left side of the binary, while butches fall into timid compliance?

Case study #2, a fine femme girl known for making the first move many a time, shook her head in girlish befuddlement, "I don't know that I ever really have, how could that be? I'm so bold in other ways!"

Case study #3 got lucky: "A girl came up to me and said, 'I find the way you're dancing really attractive.' It was Halloween, I was dressed as a sailor, and she was in a bustier. I said, 'So, you wanna dance?' She answered, 'Absolutely.'" It was femme initiative. Maybe patterns from the 50s still apply today. Case study #3 was surprised to hear this; she'd assumed her experience was an exception, rather than the rule.

Case study #4 hit the jackpot. She shrugged off my dilemma, saying rakishly, "Girls just come up and start dancing with me." Hmmph, we should all be so lucky. Would you go up to someone and start dancing with them? "No, but I'd dance near them," she replied coolly.

Problem solved. The Passive-Aggressive Expression of Interest: my favorite. Dance near the girl you have your eye on. This is how we make our moves.

©Alia Levine, 2002
All Rights Reserved

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