Shameless -- Sexing the Political: A Journal of Third Wave Feminists on Sexuality

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ashley answers your sexual questions

Dear Ashley:

I have just starting dating a woman who identifies herself as "poly." Can you explain to me what this means?

--Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, the ultimate expert on this issue is the woman you are seeing, so I’d first recommend asking her. In these postmodern, new-millenial times, personal identities and definitions are often fluid, so any research you do (even seeking help from a sage advice columnist) might not apply to your girlfriend at all. You will get the most accurate and useful explanation of what she means by "poly" if you ask her outright to elaborate. Try not to worry about appearing ignorant or naïve. Most poly people I know are more than happy to share some of their philosophies with the world, particularly with those with whom they’re involved in a relationship! I’d call that a definite "need-to-know" situation, so that you can figure out how this will affect you and the relationship you’ve just started.

That being said, here’s an extremely basic poly primer: "poly" is usually short for "polyamory," which is derived from the root words for "many loves." It is used to refer to a relationship style, or a personal sexual identity, which involves the option to have ethical (meaning honest, non-deceptive, or non-adulterous) non-monogamous relationships. This changes the traditional meaning of "commitment" in relationships, as commitment to one person may or may not involve sexual fidelity or the expectation of lifetime togetherness.

Some polyamorous people are with a primary partner, much like in a traditional marriage, but have relationships with other lovers at times. The quality and content of these other relationships may vary from a deep emotional commitment to an occasional sexual "fling," but are always (ideally anyway) negotiatedy and honestly within the context of the couple. Other poly styles—like polyfidelity (from "many commitments")-- involve groups of committed adults that may be bonded in a relationship among three or more people. Threesomes (triads) or larger groups may exist in a household much like a group marriage, sharing finances, decisions, and even child raising. In this situation, having any other lovers may have to be negotiated with more than one partner. In either polyamorous or polyfidelitous relationships, sexual activity might happen only in couples or involve threesomes or group sex. Though many poly people identify as bisexual, many are not, and exist solidly at one or the other end of the Kinsey scale.

While all of this might sound like a relationship free-for-all, it usually does not end up that way in practice. Because the success of a poly arrangement depends, at its core, on communication, polyamory offers people the chance to make explicit their expectations about connections in a way that can create a more fulfilling and enriching relationship. JoAnne, a 30-something feminist I know who identifies as poly, says, "I really find that stretching myself through multiple relationships allows me to explore different sides of myself, and also, keeps Lynn [her partner] and I from falling into patterns where we take each other for granted." Jealousy and how to manage it is a common theme in poly circles, and much time, effort, and creativity can be devoted to trying to figure out ways to feel secure without the traditional trappings of sexual fidelity.

There are many other areas of agreement that need to be fleshed-out when dealing with a poly partner. These might include:

1) What precautions will be taken against exposure to sexually transmitted infections.
2) Whether or not to share information ("come out") about the nature of the relationships with others.
3) Whether or not partners have "veto power" over the choice of lovers.

If you’re interested in doing more research, try a web search under "polyamory", pick up a copy of Loving More magazine, or try the library for these classic books on the subject:

"The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Possibilities" by Easton and Liszt (1997).
"Loving More: The Polyfidelity Primer" by Nearing (1992)
"Lesbian Polyfidelity" by West (1995)

Good Luck!

Ashley Sovern's regular column, shameless: ask ashley your sexual questions, will reflect an attempt to provide honest answers to some of our generation’s curiosities and concerns about sexual identity and activity.

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