shameless:
ashley answers your sexual questions
Dear Ashley,
How can a 21st century politically active and astute feminist rationalize her burning desire to be spanked?
--Bad Grrl
This is a perfect question for our first column, Bad Grrl, so thanks for asking it! For young feminists, the tension between the behaviors our sexual and political selves consider acceptable can be extremely troublesome. Young women who have come to feminist awareness through anti-violence movements often are reluctant to acknowledge the erotic pull of playing with power and control dynamics in sex,
and may feel ashamed that activities like spanking or other forms of S/M might be appealing or intriguing to them.
Women have resolved this question in a number of ways. Some "sex-positive" feminists (a la Dorothy Allison or Susie Bright) have spoken out about their own struggles in synthesizing a personal sexual identity that encompasses both a strong awareness of the dangers of real sexual power imbalance, and an acceptance (or celebration) of their own so-called "un-pc" erotic desires. Other women eschew any kind of power plays in sex, and find the most erotic fulfillment in an environment where equality of the partners is sexy in and of itself.
Third wave feminism is about embracing our contradictions, rather than trying to eradicate them. In other words, high heels do not a bimbo make, and a few spankings—or even a completely submissive sexual identity-- do not eliminate all the work you have done raising your consciousness about gender roles and how unequal power has been hurtful to women individually and as a group.
It’s obvious, BG, but it bears repeating; having your power wrenched away—as in the case of sexual assault—is radically different than "lending" control to a sexual partner during erotic play. They might look similar, but the differences in intention, attitude, and control make the experiences night and day. The same way that sex acts in violent encounters are still acts of violence, there might be violence in sex play, but as long as the people involved are comfortable with it and can communicatey and honestly so that either person can say no and have it be respected, it’s still sex play. You have the ultimate say over what you want to do or not do in your sex life.
So if you really have a burning desire to get slapped on the ass (or anywhere else, for that matter) during sex, BG, try talking with your partner(s) and explaining it’s something you’d like to try. Make sure you have an understanding --prearranged code words work well -- so that you know you can stop at any time if it feels uncomfortable.
If you like it, great—you’ve found one of your turn-ons, so tell your closest friends to chip in and buy you a monogrammed paddle for your birthday. Sometimes sexual fantasies are more appealing when they remain fantasies, and you may decide that though the idea of spanking turns you on, the actual practice is something you would rather avoid. So if it feels too icky, well, scratch it off your list.
Good luck!
Ashley Sovern's regular column, shameless: ask ashley your sexual questions, will reflect an attempt to provide honest answers to some of our generation’s curiosities and concerns about sexual identity and activity.
© Ashley Sovern, 2001
All Rights Reserved
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Sexing the Political: A Journal of Third Wave Feminists on Sexuality Editor and Publisher: Design by: Unless otherwise noted, all material located in this site is:
©Krista Jacob, 2001 |